Grief and IFS: How can Internal Family Systems help you with grief?

Internal Family Systems therapy for grief can be really helpful as you move through the grieving process. It begs the question how can Internal Family systems help with grief?

1. Providing a container for the grief

Most of us don’t allow grief to take it’s natural movement through us. We often want to avoid the idea of the loss, compare our loss, get angry at our loss, or even allow depression to consume us from the loss. Internal Family Systems for grief looks at all of these symptoms through a perspective call “parts"“. Different parts of our personality deal with the loss in different ways.

IFS therapy for grief allows for a container so that each part of you can speak about the loss in a safe environment with the therapist. This concept is crucial so that all parts can have the opportunity to share their story and you will gain a different perspective about how these parts are trying to help you with the grief.

2. Exploring Polarizations

We often have polarizations with grief. Polarizations with IFS means that one part is in direct conflict with another part of you and is often fearful of the opposing part taking over. How do parts of us polarize with grief? An example could be that a part of you can’t believe the person is gone and another part of you is actually looking forward to what your life will be like without them.

These parts may fight internally saying things like “I can’t believe you’d think that!?” or “Get over this already and move on.”. In IFS therapy for grief we can work with these polarizations and help them soften to find out what these parts are afraid of and help any underlying extreme feelings or beliefs.

3. Past grief that wasn’t attended to

Often times the loss of something in the present can reveal pain that wasn’t attended to in the past. With IFS grief therapy we are interested in helping the parts of us that carry the pain of the lost and understanding their origin stories.

Often times these exiled parts who carry the pain have been carrying pain long before the present day loss. If we can understand these parts pain, we can heal the extreme emotions and beliefs and relate to them differently.

4. Reintegration

Once we have healed parts of us that picked up what IFS calls “burdens” (extreme beliefs or emotions), we can then reintegrate these parts of us back into our inner world. The parts of us that wanted to manage the overwhelming feelings by distracting or numbing out no longer have to do that job when the pain is healed.

Client’s report that they feel more at peace and in relationship with their different parts as this goes on.

5. Self-Led Grieving

We all have a Self inside us that has the ability to navigate difficult times. Often people want to come to grief therapy to not feel the loss, but grief is natures way of healing.

We can access this compassionate place to move through the grief and the loss, but that doesn’t mean you won’t ever think about them again. On the contrary you can then feel so connected to your emotions surrounding the loss and attend to them, without being overwhelmed by them.

If you are interested in more on Self-Led Grieving check out Derek Scott’s work here.

My own IFS Grief Journey

A quick story on my own IFS grief journey. Recently I visited the home of my grandparents that I frequently visited as a child. We were selling the house as my grandmother had recently transitioned into a nursing home.

I knew this would be the last time I saw this house. I noticed many different parts of me having a reaction to visiting the house. One part of me was extremely sad that I’d never see this again. Another part of me wanted to take pictures of the house to show my future children.

As I walked the house, memories of me as a child came up, memories of my grandfather who has passed. I continued to walk the house and found old documents, including a card addressed from an uncle I never met. My uncle died in a tragic car accident prior to me being born, and all I remember is my family mentioning him here and there. Reading this card from my uncle brought up tremendous emotion, and I had a protective part of me try and shut that down by saying “You never even knew him why feel this way?”.

But as I unblend from these protective parts and compassionately address their fears. I am slowly coming closer to the grief that wasn’t attended to.

Now you may say Justin…how can you have grief from someone you never met? But you can, for we grieve that which we never experienced as well. I never experienced my uncles laugh, his smile, his courage, and never experienced seeing him and my father together. What a joy that would have been. I will always grieve him in that I will miss the fact he is gone, however this experience led me to the grief that was unattended to…that was passed down, and now it is mine to hold and let my Self allow for the natural process of grief.

Work with me

Justin Martin is an IFS therapist who works with grief in the Orlando, FL area. If interested in working with him click here.