How to let go of anger: 10 ways to be less angry
Anger can consume you. It can cause destruction inside of you and also around you. It can break apart relationships with others and more importantly break apart the relationship with yourself. We tend to remember anger and just can’t seem to let it go. You may have tried to manage your anger by telling yourself to stop being angry but that doesn’t seem to help. Here are the 10 ways on how to let go of anger.
1. Recognize this is just a part of you
I frequently refer to the movie Inside Out as a helpful guide for those who want to learn how to let go of anger.
In the movie Inside Out they portray the main character Riley as a child who has emotions just like all of us do.
These emotions however are little characters inside of Riley who operate a control board that creates her behavior. The angry part takes over a lot in this movie, but it isn’t the only part that Riley has.
This is important to note for ourselves when anger consumes us. We tend to think it’s the only thing going on within us because of how it takes over. Recognizing this is just a part of you and not your whole being allows the anger to exist while also not letting you feel like it’s completely you.
2. Notice your triggers
Focus on noticing what happens around you when you get angry. This is important to provide context for your anger. Here are some questions you can ask yourself.
· What situations do I normally feel my anger?
· Who am I mad at frequently?
· Are there any patterns?
3. Befriend your anger
Wait…you want me to do what? Befriending your anger can seem counter-intuitive. Ultimately, learning how to let go of anger starts with accepting the angry part.
We actually don’t want to get rid of your anger, we want to learn what the anger is about. But you can’t learn from something when you push it away. Acknowledgment is the first step.
Take a moment to sit down in a quiet place and if it feels safe to do so, find the anger in your body. See if you can come to this angry part of you in a curious, compassionate way.
4. Ask your anger some questions
Once you feel like you are coming to your anger in a compassionate and curious state, ask it some questions to get to know about it. You can treat it like its another person inside of you. Here are some examples.
· What job do you do for me?
· What are you afraid of happening if you weren’t so
angry?
· How long have you been doing this job?
· Would you prefer a name for me to call you?
5. Listen to your anger
When you ask your anger the previous questions you may be surprised to get an answer. A lot of my clients when they do this process can marvel at the fact their anger is actually speaking with them.
As you hear the anger’s answers, be mindful of the answers that you respond with. If for example the anger says “I’m sick of the way she’s treating me.” and your initial reaction is “Well you shouldn’t be angry…that’s just the way she is." then that is just another part getting in the way of you getting to know your anger.
Remember we want to be curious with the anger.
6. Get other parts to relax
Remember how I said our emotions we can look at as a cast of characters inside of us? As you get to know your anger you will have other parts of you interject.
We really just want to get to know one part at a time and so as you get to know your anger another part chimes in, ask it if it could relax a bit, just so you can stay with the anger.
It would be similar to if you were talking to your child who was really upset, and as you were talking, another one of your children comes in and says “Stop being that way.”.
This normally makes things worse, you need boundaries so that you can attend to each child’s emotions. It’s the same process we do internally as we get to know our anger.
This step can sometimes be hard to do and you shouldn’t will yourself through it. It might be helpful to seek out a counselor who is familiar with Internal Family Systems Theory.
7. Validate the angry part’s concern
When you ask the anger questions, and hear more about its role, see if you can validate what you heard from it. If you have trouble doing this check to make sure other parts have relaxed.
You might be able to let it know how hard its working for you. You might even validate how tired the anger is from lashing out all the time. Again we just want to try and invite some curiosity and compassion as we get to know the anger.
8. See how your anger reacts to your compassion
Notice how your angry part reacts when you are able to validate it and listen to its concerns. Does it feel less tight in your chest? If you are visual, do you see how your anger responds to your validation?
9. Speak for your angry part not from it
As you get to know your anger, you can communicate to others your anger without letting it take over you.
This may look like taking a minute as you feel the anger bubbling and removing yourself from the triggering situation.
Once you can then speak to your angry part and go towards it with compassion you can then communicate what you learned from it to others.
Here is an example of speaking for your part and not from it.
“I took a minute to listen to my anger. I have a part of me that gets really angry when you ignore me. It hurts and then my anger comes out to show you that. I would appreciate it if you could listen to me when I need to speak with you.”
10. What’s underneath my anger?
Your anger is often protecting a more hurt feeling.
Most of the time angry parts of you are doing a job. They are protecting you from a more vulnerable part of you.
Getting to know your anger is helpful, but healing what the anger protects is ultimately the thing that allows the angry part to relax from its job. We can do this with Internal Family Systems Therapy for anger.
The Gottman Institute has a wonderful depiction of the anger iceberg which illustrates what’s underneath your anger.
Just like an iceberg anger is at the top of it and its what you can see. Yet underneath the anger iceberg (below the surface) are other feelings and vulnerable parts of you.
You can read more about it here.
Helpful Tip: Check in with your anger as you heal
Once you have healed what the anger protects its important to consistently check in with your angry part. Set some time each day to check in with your angry part and listen to it safely, even at times when you aren’t angry.
Let it know that you are now here for it and remain curious and compassionate to it. This builds trust for your system and allows the anger to transform into a more valuable part of you.
Need help with letting go of anger?
These steps are a great way to gain an understanding of how to let go of anger. I help clients with this process in the Orlando, FL area. If you would like to learn more about Internal Family Systems approach and your angry part check out my Approach page.